When we met, it felt like you really cared about me and my feelings. You used to help me stay better connected to people. Now you only connect me to places in a mindless game.

What was once an interesting and useful relationship has become an irrelevant distraction. I’m taking you off my iPhone’s shortcuts dock for now, but I hope this note might help you change in ways that make you relevant in my life again. I’m going to take a break from our friendship for a while rather than unfriending other people…

This week marks a year and a half since your big splash at SxSW in March 2009. That’s when I started loving you. Back then, we had a few dozen friends in common in San Francisco. I loved getting alerts as they checked in. Seeing where my friends were, I dropped in to bars, parties, and tech events. We made a great team.

I deepened connections to people I knew and felt a stronger sense of community. I visited places and met people I never would have otherwise. For months, I was the most socially active I’d ever been in my life. For a while, you fueled that. I was a better person because of you. Thanks.

But we seem to have grown apart…

As you grew, hundreds of people requested to be my FourSquare friends. Even after rejecting folks I’d never met, I still had more than 150. That’s a fraction of the people I’m connected to on Facebook, Twitter or email, but this is simply more people than I can ge

t location alerts from. I can’t keep track of it all, and I can’t act on it. You no longer help me sort the interesting from the mundane. Excepting your downtime this week, the database in my ears isn’t capable of handling nearly the volume that yours is.

At first I disabled alerts for many people, but I found I had to disable them altogether. Part of this isn’t your fault — the alert system on the iPhone is primitive, and alerts from apps trounce each other (and incoming SMS messages). I found I was losing both. Hopefully that’s something Apple improves soon.

The bottom line is, you don’t help me meet up with my other friends anymore.

And frankly, you seem so focused on work that you seem to have forgotten people. If I need a business directory, I’ve got Yelp and plenty of other options that do a better job right now. If that’s what you want to be, you’ve got a long road ahead of you. I fell in love with you because you were all about the people in the places, not the businesses themselves.

I realized I just wasn’t getting anything from our relationship anymore. I kept putting in checkins and tips, but what’s the value for me? Coupons? Really, you think love can be bought?  Badges? Honey, if you think I’m a boyscout, you really don’t understand me at all.  Mayorships? They’re not worth the hassle, it’s just more work without a meaninful payoff. (Well, OK, it does tickle me a little to be the mayor of a few of my favorite places, even though no one notices anymore.) You used to mean something to me, but I see you’ve grown shallow.

I thought maybe I could help you myself. So I started to unfriend people on Foursquare. Then I realized that I’d lose context for people who are loose connections, so their tips wouldn’t pop up. And I wouldn’t be able to spot larger scale trends.

I don’t need to unfriend other people. What I need is for you to acknowledge my feelings.

While I love all people, I really do feel closer to some more than others. I’d love to know what my closest friends and family are doing wherever they are in the world (my feelings for them are enough to create relevance), while others only matter to me if they are checking in to someplace of professional interest rather than their social haunts (or vice-versa).  Some people I might only care if they are very near to where I am now. Often I’d like to follow someone closely for a while as I get to know them, but later let drift into my pool of broader friends or acquaintances (once I’ve decided how compatible we are, or how interesting they are).

You need to respect the fact that some of our friends are closer than others, and mean different things to us.

I still care about you, and I’d like to see you change. My friend Facebook has the same problem, and started trying to manage it this week with a new groups feature. I’m not sure how well that’s going to work out. Twitter has its own issues. But they’ve both changed so much in the last year. They show me they’re really trying, that they really care about me.

I hope someday I’ll again feel about you the way I still do about Facebook and Twitter, but for right now, I just need a little break.

I think we’re missing the mark, though.  It’s not really about Twitter.  It’s not about Facebook.  It’s not about whatever the next buzzword is.

It’s about friends.

It’s about building real relationships that inspire people to act on your behalf.  That’s the skill we should focus on building. Whether it’s Twitter or Digg or Facebook or LinkedIn, it’s about those relationships.

We have to teach ourselves to operate that way again.

We commonly use phrases like “Facebook Strategy” or “Mobile Strategy,” but we’d never talking about building a house in terms of “Hammer Strategy.”   The technologies are just tools and our language is tricking us.

When we’re wowed by case-studies showing off the power and effectiveness of these tools, we’re really being impressed the underlying strategy, a powerful one that we can all take advantage of.

It’s easy to forget that it has always been one of the best business and marketing strategies to make friends. We do that by focusing on others, on listening to them and meeting their needs. How will your business be making friends and thriving in 2009?

How could this make sense? Facebook and Linkedin already have considerable revenues. Twitter has zero. They also have far more users than Twitter. And so on. Some have even said Twitter is not a business.

Yet Twitter has a kind of transcendent clarity.

It’s not that Twitter now tops the list of fastest growing social networks or that Facebook offered to buy Twitter for $500 million.

The moment I was introduced to Twitter, my eyes got big. I saw something simple, different and open. It was already evolving through user behavior and through the addition of connecting services. It could be a kind of underlying protocol, the hub of an ecosystem, not a stand alone website.

Today, Tim O’Reilly added to that sense with a wonderful post explaining that Twitter does one small thing and does it well, has brilliant social architecture, cooperates well with others, creates ambient intimacy, and provides core services not bound to a particular interface.

Social networks like Facebook and Linkedin (and Friendster and Tribe.net before them) jealously guard their social graph, the connections between users. So I have to “friend” someone (offering and accepting) separately for each network I belong to, and I can’t take advantage of those connections except in software that run on a particular service. Twitter is different.

Twitter cooperates well with others. Rather than loading itself down with features, it lets others extend its reach. There are dozens of powerful third-party interface programs; there are hundreds of add-on sites and tools. Twitter even lets competitors (like FriendFeed or Facebook) slurp its content into their services. But instead of strengthening them, it seems to strengthen Twitter. It’s the new version of embrace and extend: inject and take over.

An example of that difference comes out in looking at how Facebook and Twitter share status updates.

Last month at CM Summit I asked Evan Williams, CEO of Twitter, about status updates going from Twitter to Facebook, but not the other way.

Today, John Battelle (who interviewed Williams on stage during CM Summit) pointed out a new problem I’d also been facing. It isn’t just that status updates only go one-way, there is also an issue about replies (thus conversation):

I admit that I’m still catching up on Facebook after having overdosed on Friendster and Tribe.net all those years ago. So please comment to suggest things I might be missing.

• Despite having many more Twitter followers than Facebook friends, often my tweets get several more Facebook replies than Twitter @ replies. Why?
• At least where the Facebook user also has a Twitter account, it would be nice to see their comment as an @reply on Twitter so that the conversation could continue there. And vice-versa, I’d love it if my @replies mapped to Facebook (perhaps as a post to that user’s wall?).
• Since it doesn’t work like that, how can I best keep up with that second reply stream? Since I’m on Twitter more often than Facebook, that means I tend to miss them until later. Others may have the opposite problem.
• Another service, FriendFeed, proposes a kind of solution, but in fact, makes the problem worse by providing one more island of comments.
• When I want to continue the conversation, what’s the best way to do that? Respond with an Fbook comment to my own status update? @ reply them on Twitter if I know they have an account there? That seems impractical since I often can’t remember everyone’s Twitter handle.
• Ping.fm, a front-end for posting status to many services, differentiates between updates to “micro-blogs” and “statuses”. Perhaps it will grow to include a category for “replies”? Still, that is only a solution for status going out, it doesn’t solve the problem for replies coming in.

Perhaps the real reason I use Twitter so much more than other social networks is exactly the reason that it is creating this kind of problem. Exactly the reason I felt OD’d on more traditional social networks. By being the most open broadly adapted social network, Twitter becomes the hub for every type of social networking.

Users won’t keep all their lives separated into artificial compartments by service for long. Nor will they keep using many different interfaces to lots of similar services. They have little patience for re-entering and re-confirming their friendships, but they will do it to move to a solution that works better for them. Just as they moved off closed email systems to open ones. Until Facebook develops the kind of clarity that Twitter has, it should fear the fate of Friendster and Tribe.net.

In the end, we’ll flock to the solutions that best increase our ability to be in touch with more people as well as to have deeper connections.Those won’t be the closed solutions.

(Incidentally, I started writing in response to the tweet from John Battelle. In the middle of it, another tweet alerted me to Tim O’Reilly’s post and sent me off in another direction. It’s on Twitter that I keep up with everyone.)